Author: Libba Bray
What's my Most Horrific Moment? (Yes, I will get to my review of this book.....but after my tell-all revelation) I was once in a beauty pageant. I am not pretty. I am not sexy. I am nerdy. Yeah....the nerdy girl was in a beauty pageant. Because......I was the only girl left. Two cheerleaders were pregnant. The most beautiful girl in our class (who was an awesome friend) was already in another pageant. Another two girls had parents that said no on grounds of modesty/religion/morals. I was literally the only halfway passable girl left. The Daphnes were all busy....so Velma was tricked (guilted, really) into participating. I had no idea what I was getting into. Oh. My. God. I had to go to meetings about how to wave properly, how to walk properly, a two hour presentation on what "talent showcase'' meant. A makeup artist came to give us beauty tips. He looked around the room and chose me to use as a model.....I immediately found out why. He chose the one girl in the room who had no chance of winning so that the others (who all obviously had a shot at the tiara) could watch what he was doing. The entire time he was applying greasy nasty crap to my face he kept saying "See what makeup can do? It can make ANYONE look wonderful.'' In my mind I was applying a roundhouse kick to the side of his head and curb stomping him for being mean jerk. But on the outside I was smiling and pretending I didn't get his snide remarks. What an asshole. And the girls were supremely snarky to one another. If the pretty girls are all being bitches to each other....just imagine how they were to plain girl thrown into their midst. I felt like the hunk of steak tossed into a lion's den. It was AWFUL. I wanted to just feign a seizure to remove myself. But, the Lions Club had sponsored me.....and all the other nerdy girls were cheering me on. I couldn't quit. So, I did it. I was a swimsuit clad hunk of meat with a horrific silk banner on for ONE NIGHT. I did not come in last. I came in next to last....ahead of the girl who completely froze up during the judges interview and couldn't answer questions. I think she even threw up. The judges comments? Lose 15 pounds. Change your hair. Your evening gown is ugly. And those shoes? Really?? The actual pageant was the most horrific night of my young life. Under my swimsuit, I had double sided tape on my rear end and boobs to prevent wardrobe malfunctions. The pushup bra I had to wear under my gown had underwires that came straight out of a medieval iron maiden. And I had to put bandaids over my nipples so they didn't show. Because heaven only knows....girls parading around in swimwear on a stage can't have noticeable nipples. I had tape residue on my bum for a week after it was all over.
Who won? The cute blonde girl whose talent was singing a song while doing the lyrics in sign language whose greatest aspiration was to promote world peace in 3rd world countries.
So, that being said.....I just had to read a book about an airplane full of pageant beauty queens crashing on an island. Despite my previous pageant horror, I absolutely loved this book!!
My favorite character is definitely Petra, the transgender pageant hopeful who used to be a member of a popular boy band. Awesome character! But this book has every stereotypical pageant girl from the overachiever pageant-veteran from Texas to the angry journalist-wanna-be that is there to unveil the horrors of beauty contests. Underneath the humor and satire is an awesome statement about gender, the conflicting messages girls get about beauty, femininity and sexuality, and stereotypes about pretty girls.
I listened to the audio book version of this story. The author narrates, and she did an absolutely awesome job. She did the voices for the characters perfectly and just made the listening experience fun. The audio book is 14.5 hours long. I have partial hearing loss but was easily able to hear and understand the entire book.
Great humor. Fun story. And it let me laugh about my Most Horrific Moment. 34 years later, I still cringe just thinking about it. And I still wish I could F'ing curb stomp that makeup applying jerk face moron who spent an entire afternoon making snide comments about my appearance. Adult me still wants to fling back in time just to kick his ass.
I will definitely read more by this author! :)
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